As York University (Canada) psychologist Katarina Kovacevic and her colleagues point out in an article they recently published in The Journal of Sex Research, most people believe that spontaneous sex is more satisfying. In part, this is because that’s how sex is portrayed in the movies—hot, passionate, and spur-of-the-moment. Additionally, people can remember a time when their romantic relationship was new, sexual desire was high, and spontaneous sex was the norm.
Yet, as intimate relationships mature, sexual desire wanes. One reason is that familiarity is just not as exciting as novelty. But perhaps an even more important reason is that the demands of daily life can make it hard to find the time—or the energy—for sex.
That said, plenty of research shows that couples who have sex frequently are happier and more satisfied with their relationship. In what’s called the “good-enough” sex model, relationship scientists and couples’ counselors alike encourage romantic partners to have realistic attitudes about sex. According to this way of thinking, what’s important is that couples connect intimately on a frequent basis, not whether the sex they have is “mind-blowing” or “earth-shaking.”
In the current study, Kovacevic and colleagues investigated romantic couples’ beliefs about spontaneous and planned sex. They also asked whether spontaneous or planned sex was perceived as more satisfying.
As expected, most participants believed that spontaneous sex was more satisfying than planned sex. However, there were some who stated that they preferred their sexual encounters to be planned. Even if spur-of-the-moment sex is ideal, it may be more practical for some people to plan time for sex in their busy calendars.
Following up on this survey, Kovacevic and colleagues asked 121 couples to take part in a three-week diary study. Before the study began, each partner indicated their spontaneous and planned sex beliefs, and they rated their overall level of sexual satisfaction, sexual desire, and sexual distress.
Then for the next 21 days, each participant indicated whether they’d had sex that day and whether it had been spontaneous or planned. They also rated their level of sexual satisfaction, sexual desire, and sexual distress on that day.
Although people generally believe that spontaneous sex is more satisfying than planned sex, the researchers found no evidence for this. In other words, these respondents reported that their planned sexual encounters were just as satisfying as their spontaneous ones. It’s not unusual, in psychology studies, to find that people’s beliefs do not match their actual experiences. This finding also supports the contention that these beliefs are based on societal expectations about how sex is supposed to play out.
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